


Buzzfeed Unsolved: The Dreadful Devil's Kettle Murders

by hentailobster



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Jennifer's Body (2009)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, but through the lens of mr bergara's retelling, lots of (wheeze)-ing, the canon in question being jennifer's body canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-30
Updated: 2019-03-30
Packaged: 2019-12-26 18:31:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18287882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hentailobster/pseuds/hentailobster
Summary: bfu but they talk about a fictional crime you know the drill





	Buzzfeed Unsolved: The Dreadful Devil's Kettle Murders

”This week on Buzzfeed Unsolved we discuss a series of deaths in the small town Devil’s Kettle, with the causes ranging from fires, murder and perhaps something even more sinister” 

 

_more sinister than murder?_

 

_yeah. and there’s a rock band involved_

 

_well, you have my full attention._

 

”Devil’s Kettle is a small city in Minnesota, named after a waterfall in the nearby Judge C. R. Magney State Park. Up until 2008 it was nearly unknown, due to its relatively small size, but after the series of events that rocked the city it would gain nationwide media attention.” 

 

”It all began with the local bar- Melody Lane. In may, 2008, the at that point almost completely unknown band Low Shoulder was to hold a concert there.”

 

_wait, Low Shoulder. I’ve heard that name before._

 

_yeah they got really famous after this whole deal._

 

_really? well, good for them I guess._

 

_I thought you’d remember the band at least, their song was all over the radio._

 

_what song?_

 

_(singing) through the trees. I will find you-_

 

_ooooooooh. yeah I remember that one. good song._

 

_it is a good song._

 

”However, the band would only get the chance to play less than half of their first song, since just as the performance was starting, a fire broke out. A fire that would kill over twenty of the bar’s patrons, including eight students at the local high school”

 

_so that’s incident number one. and I’m guessing it’s the fire you mentioned._

 

_wow, I see your detective mind is- is really hard at work today._

 

_oh no a detective mind is hard at work every day._

 

_(wheeze)_

 

_it never sleeps!_

 

”Due to Devil’s Kettle’s size, the tragic event was a big deal. Almost everyone knew someone who’d died in the fire, and the loss put the town in a state of shock. It was, however, only the beginning” 

 

_something that should be mentioned is that Low Shoulder did a lot of charity work for the city after the accident. like a lot, a lot. and people say they were helping people in the actual fire, but that’s nothing official so you know…_

 

_still, charity. that’s cool. that’s what you should do when you’re famous._

 

_well I mean, they weren’t famous at the time. the fire was actually kinda what jumpstarted their career, in a sense._

 

_I mean that’s certainly…certainly something to jumpstart your career with. ”hey it’s us, the deadly fire band”_

 

_yeah it sounds really bad when you put it like that._

 

_I’m sorry._

 

_you should be sorry._

 

_I am._

 

_Low Shoulder are uh- they’re American heroes._

 

_(wheeze)_

 

_(wheeze)_

 

”Just a day after the fire, the first of what would become a series of deaths took place. Late that afternoon, the captain of Devil’s Kettle’s high school football team, Jonas Kozelle, was found in the woods, dead and disemboweled. The body had a number of unidentified bite and scratch marks on it, and parts of it had been eaten, which led some to believe that Kozelle was killed by a wild animal. However, the marks didn’t match any local predators, thus confirming to the authorities that the death was caused by a human” 

 

_did they test any non-predators?_

 

_what you mean a horse did this?_

 

_horses are vicious. they’ll fuck you up._

 

_(wheeze)_

 

”No one was ever formally charged for the murder, and for a while Devil’s Kettle could go back to its old sense of calm. Or at least until, almost exactly one month later, tragedy would strike again. This time, the victim was yet another high school student, a boy by the name of Colin Gray. Gray was found in an abandoned house, in a similar state to Kozelle. Here, however, there was also evidence, in the form of items likely belonging to the killer. These included a large amount of candles, a cd player and Akon’s album _Konvicted”_

 

_hahahahahahahaha!_

 

_(wheeze)_

_it’s a- it’s a killer with taste._

 

_do you think they were listening to Akon as they were disemboweling?_

 

_(wheeze)_

 

_does Akon know about this? cus he could use that to sell his album._

 

_”Akon’s Konvicted- the perfect album to listen to as you’re disemboweling someone”?_

 

_exactly! sales would skyrocket!_

 

”Besides being disemboweled and most likely cannibalized, Gray’s arm was broken in three places and had a puncture wound that would later be attributed to one of the tools left in the house. While the puncture wound might have been an accident, the broken arm was judged to have been caused by the killer, most likely before Gray died.”

 

_why would you do that?!_

 

_I mean if you’re a cannibal serial killer then breaking an arm or two probably isn’t a big deal. like once cannibal is on your resumé you can’t get much worse than that._

 

_but if you’re going to eat someone why would you break their arm? you’re ruining your food!_

 

_that’s what you’re worried about?!_

 

_yeah!_

 

_(wheeze) I mean maybe the killer had some…specific tastes, you know._

 

_yeah but bone fragments in your food?_

 

_says Shane ”pickle in a pond” Madej._

 

_no but that’s different. see-_

 

_sure it is._

 

_in this scenario the pickle is fresh._

 

_(sigh)_

 

”It would be yet another month before the killer struck again, this time on prom night. Anita Lesnicki had left the prom early in search of her ex boyfriend Chip Dove. When she looked in the school’s abandoned pool building, she found him dying. His throat had been torn out, in a fashion similar to what had happened to Gray and Kozelle.” 

 

_why was her first instinct to look in the abandoned pool building?_

 

_we’re gonna talk a bit more about that in a minute._

 

”Later that night, mrs Check was at home, when she heard noise coming from her daughter Jennifer’s room. Upon walking in mrs Check found Jennifer dead, with the culprit still at the scene. To mrs Check’s surprise and horror, the killer was none other than Jennifer’s long time best friend- Anita Lesnicki” 

 

_that’s just how it is sometimes._

 

_it is. sometimes your best friend is an annoying, big-headed prick and you know- you gotta take ’em out_

 

_now…I can’t say I like what you’re implying here. I can’t say I do._

 

_good._

 

”Jennifer Check had been stabbed directly through the heart with a utility knife, and after Lesnicki was taken to Leech Lake Correctional, a nearby asylum there were no more killings in Devil’s Kettle, making Jennifer Check the final victim in that town, but not in total.”

 

”While all this was happening, Low Shoulder had been gaining in popularity with each passing day, and around this time the band was set to play a large gig. However, they never got to do it. On the day of their concert, the entirety of Low Shoulder was found dead in their hotel room, and bizarrely, the bodies were in states similar to those of Jonas Kozelle, Colin Gray and Chip Dove. It should be mentioned that just hours earlier, Anita Lesnicki had been reported as missing from Leech Lake Correctional.” 

 

_so why is this unsolved? it seems like this Anita is a pretty clear suspect._

 

_well that’s actually quite interesting because she was convicted of the murder of Jennifer Check, but not of any of the others due to lack of evidence._

 

”Why was Devil’s Kettle struck by so much tragedy in so little time? Well, a lot of people theorize that the various incidents are somehow connected. We’ll now go over some of these theories, the first being that Anita Lesnicki was behind it all.”

 

”Let’s begin by looking at the evidence. Lesnicki was found guilty of the fourth murder and it does seem suspicious that she would know to look for Chip Dove in a place as obscure as an abandoned pool. There is also the the timing of her escape from Leech Lake and the deaths of Low Shoulder. However, the difference in method between Jennifer Check’s murder and those of Kozelle, Gray, Dove and Low Shoulder are jarring, and even after months of investigation, police was unable to find any evidence connecting Lesnicki to those crimes.” 

 

_it does seem…a little odd that she’d switch to good old fashioned stabbery if she’d been disemboweling and eating people, but-_

 

_yeah and there’s also the fact that it happened in Jennifer’s home. all the previous murders happened somewhere remote._

 

_that’s true. but it could always be that killing her friend was a bit more personal._

 

_yeah. but I’m not buying it._

 

_of course you aren’t._

 

”The second theory is that the one to kill Kozelle, Gray and Dove was Jennifer Check.”

 

”Police reports found that Jennifer and Colin Gray had had contact before he got murdered, and mrs Check admits her daughter had been acting strange since the fire at Melody Lane. This theory would also give Anita Lesnicki a clear motive for killing her best friend, since she and Dove had been in a reportedly happy relationship. However, apart from that, there isn’t much evidence supporting this theory, and it leaves us with the question of who killed Low Shoulder. The fact that the methods are so similar to the ones used in the case of the three murders in Devil’s Kettle would suggest that it was the same killer. But Jennifer was already dead when Low Shoulder were killed, thus making it impossible for her to kill them, unless of course-”

 

_I don’t like the sound of your voice here. I feel like you’re about to give me something really dumb to pick apart._

 

_just hear me out, okay._

 

_fine._

 

”Unless, of course, there were supernatural forces involved” 

 

_nope!_

 

_it’s a legitimate theory._

 

_no it’s not!_

 

_well- I mean, they did say the bite marks weren’t like any local predator. so nothing that would live in the area around the city. maybe the thing that did it just came from somewhere much further away than what was first thought._

 

_are you saying aliens did it?_

 

_I was gonna say a demon, or something, did it, but aliens could work too._

 

_(sigh)_

 

”This theory obviously isn’t very accepted, but it could explain the gruesome manner of the murders. Some even sugest that Jennifer might have been possessed by a demon, which would have allowed her to survive Anita’s attack and kill Low Shoulder” 

 

_I’ll admit, it’s a little thin._

 

_a little?! Ryan, this is thinner than- than-_

 

_out of metaphors?_

 

_it’s thin, all right._

 

_(wheeze) is that what you’re settling for?_

 

_yes. it’s very thin._

 

”The fourth, and final theory could also explain the similarities between the Devil’s Kettle murders and the deaths of Low Shoulder. This is the theory that Jennifer and Anita worked together.”

 

”A girl in the two’s class, claims that their relationship might have been something beyond just friendship. This claim was what started the theory of Jennifer and Anita working together as a couple to commit the murders, until they eventually had a falling out and Jennifer was killed. This theory explains how Anita could find Dove so quickly and it would explain how her escape was so well timed with the deaths of Low Shoulder when she wasn’t found guilty of killing the first three victims.” 

 

_the obvious flaw with this theory of course, is the lack of evidence._

 

_but that’s the obvious flaw with all these theories! there’s no evidence here!_

 

_yeah there’s not a lot._

 

_well, what do you think is the most likely? and you can’t say demon._

 

_well…I mean that was what I was gonna say but-_

 

_god damn it._

 

”Whatever happened in Devil’s Kettle, there’s no denying it was a great tragedy, one that would shape the town for years to come. Were the different events connected? Who was behind them? Might there have been demonic forces at play? All of these questions might be answered in the future, but for now they’re shrouded in darkness, leaving the case unsolved.” 

 

_I remember when they used to play that song on the radio all the time. literally wherever you’d go you’d hear it._

 

_yeah…hey do you think that…theoretically, someone could have just gotten really, really tired of that song and decided they didn’t want it to be played anymore?_

 

_(wheeze) wha- are you saying someone killed Low Shoulder because they were tired of their music?_

 

_I mean it’s a motive. It’s not a good motive, but it’s a motive._

 

_I’ll give you that one, I guess._

**Author's Note:**

> anyways don't forget to stan jennifer's body (2009), the greatest piece of cinematic art of all time


End file.
